As a child care service, we’re often caring for children going through a tough time – from adjusting to a new sibling being born, dealing with a death of a beloved grandparent, or having to face their parents’ separation or divorce.
This last one can be a big challenge for your little one – even though it’s quite common. Around half (48 percent) of all divorces in Australia involve children under the age of 18, and a third (27 percent), involve at least one child aged five or under.
So if you and your partner are splitting up, how can you support your child through this? And what can we do to help? To get some answers, we spoke to Dr Helen Stallman, co-author of Family Transitions Triple P, Clinical Psychologist and Director of Care, Collaborate, Connect.
What are some common reasons for splitting?
Dr Helen Stallman: Relationships can be complicated and can end for a variety of reasons, but the common denominator is usually that one or both partners feel that the emotional cost of staying together outweighs the benefits. And when young children are involved, it can be even more challenging to maintain a happy relationship due to the demands of parenting during these early years. Disagreements over parenting styles, family values and household responsibilities can all take a toll as well as the understandable stress caused by lack of sleep and the ups and downs of parenting. All of these factors can contribute and make it all the more challenging to maintain a healthy and happy partnership.
Are there specific challenges young families face when breaking up?
Dr Helen Stallman: Creating a stable supportive environment can be challenging for parents when their relationship ends – and many people feel very distressed.
You can experience a range of emotions including anger, resentment, fear and worry, and guilt. While it’s okay and healthy for parents to show their children they have normal unpleasant emotions it can be a problem for children if parents always seem to be upset. This can make children feel scared or also responsible for cheering their parents up. Children may feel they also need to take sides to support the parent who seems most distressed and blame the other parent. To prevent harm, parents can try to manage these emotions using healthy coping strategies, including asking for social and professional support if they feel overwhelmed.
Young children need 24/7 supervision which also places enormous demands on parents, particularly when they are stressed by the end of a relationship. One of the challenges for a successful co-parenting relationship is for both parents to take responsibility for caring for their child, including directly caring for their child and dropping them off at daycare. Arrangements may need to differ from what was happening previously, so parents need to communicate and be flexible in working together to find a routine that works for them.
What are some of the ways a break-up can affect children, especially those under 5?
Dr Helen Stallman: Parental separation and divorce can affect children’s trust, sense of stability and safety, and support needs. For young children who don’t have the language and cognitive skills to completely understand what is happening, parental separation can lead to entrenched feelings of rejection and abandonment if both parents don’t maintain a healthy relationship with the child and an active presence in the child’s life.
If you’re in the process of breaking up, how can you can help your child adjust?
Dr Helen Stallman: Transforming from a romantic partnership to an effective co-parenting relationship is key to building a positive environment for your child. By keeping your focus on the health and wellbeing of your child, you will be managing the transition so it’s as smooth as possible and minimises any adverse effects on them.
Positive co-parenting involves ensuring regular time with each parent and a safe predictable routine. It’s about working together to ensure your child continues to feel loved, cared about and supported by both parents. It also involves parents avoiding conflict in front of their child, putting the other parent down, one parent trying to be the fun parent while the other does the work of parenting, and rehashing former relationship problems.
Are there any common mistakes parents of young children make when navigating a split?
Dr Helen Stallman: When you end a romantic relationship, you often don’t want anything to do with your former partner. Society even pits former partners against each other to see who is ‘winning’ the break-up. However, when children are involved, there are other factors to consider. Ideally, parents transition to a new family dynamic and, as such, a new type of relationship— as co-parents. Sometimes, things will go smoothly. Other times, it can be challenging. And that’s normal – after all, this is a big change in your family. But when parents do it successfully, it can minimise any negative impacts and also set an excellent example of how to respectfully end relationships, adjust to changes and manage conflict.
How can you develop a co-parenting plan and what should this take into account?
Dr Helen Stallman: Co-parenting plans can be specific or flexible and can depend on levels of conflict between parents and how well they communicate. At a minimum, Co-parenting plans include some specific details – such as the schedule for when children will be living with each parent, how and where pick-ups and drop-offs occur, how changes in schedules will be managed, and where holidays will be spent.
What should you tell your childcare centre?
Dr Helen Stallman: It’s a good idea to let your child’s care provider know you are separating as soon as possible after you have told your child or made changes. This can help them to better support your child if they get distressed while in care. It’s important that childcare centres have up-to-date contact information for illness and emergencies. And where possible, both parents should attend meetings with the childcare centre to discuss any problems. This ensures co-parents are on the same page about their child’s development and experiences and can work together to develop solutions to any problems as they arise. Working together also avoids one parent being the go-between, which has the potential to create problems.
Is there anything else that’s important to mention on this topic?
Dr Helen Stallman: Co-parenting can be challenging. When other relationships end, you can choose not to see the person again. For parents though, they have to develop and maintain a co-parenting relationship with a person they may not like anymore. It’s normal to feel a mix of emotions given this is a big change and there’s a lot to navigate, from managing emotions and helping children adjust to evolving in your new family dynamic. Try to remember that even when things feel tough, there are ways to make the process smoother and the transition easier. It’s important that parents lean on their social and professional support systems if needed, ask for help and take some time to look after themselves. This can make all the difference in making things feel easier for both parents and children. For further resources and support, parents and carers can visit www.relationships.gov.au
When we’re going through separation and divorce, we can’t control what our former partner does. What we can control is how we manage the way we approach things and how we parent throughout.
In an Australian first, parents and carers across the country can benefit from Family Transitions Triple P Online – a free, self-directed online parenting program for those going through separation or divorce. Developed by the Triple P – Positive Parenting Program®, this university-developed program is based on extensive research and provides proven strategies for parents to help make the transition easier for both themselves and their children. If you’re a parent or carer looking for support to confidently navigate a wide range of parenting challenges, Triple P offers a range of online parenting programs, now free in Australia. Find out more at www.triplep-parenting.net.au
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